Sick Twisted Funny Jokes Pictures Videos

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The weather was very hot and this man wanted
desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't
bring his swimming trucks, but who cared? He was all
alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair
of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction.
He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket
lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front
of his private area and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt
awkward and he wanted to move. Then one of the ladies
said to him, "You know, I have a special gift, I can
read minds."

"Impossible," said the embarrassed man. "You really
know what I think?"

"Yes," the lady replied, "Right now, you are thinking
that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

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########## Little Johnny At Church Joke##########

One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was
standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the
foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring
at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and
stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly,
"Good morning son."

"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his
eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the
service", replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked

"Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"


Three old men joke

Three old men were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The first man said, "I get up in the morning and stand
in front of the toilet for 30 minutes. Can't piss at
all. Just a little trickle if I am lucky."

The second man says" that's nothing, I wake up and go
sit on the toilet for an hour. Bowels just won't move
at all.

The third man says "That's nothing. Like clockwork, I
piss every morning a 8:00am. After I have a good piss I
have a crap about 8:30am. My bowels never refuse to

The other 2 says, "Wow, that is great!"

The third replies, "Not so great, I don't get up
till 9:00am!"

Funny Veterinarian Joke

A man carried his dog into the veterinarian's office. The
dog was limp and near death. The vet checked the dog over,
and then the dog gave a sigh and stopped breathing. "I'm
sorry, sir, but your dog is dead," said the vet.

"I want a second opinion!" cried the man, deeply upset at
the loss of his pet.

So the vet went into the back room and brought out a cat,
and sat the cat on the examination table. The cat walked
up and down the table sniffing the dog, then looked up at
the veterinarian and meowed.

"The cat agrees that your dog is dead," announced the vet.
Still not satisfied, the man demanded another opinion. So
the vet went out, and then came back with a black Labrador

He set the dog on the table and he walked up and down the
examination table sniffing the dead dog, then looked at
the vet and barked. "The Lab agrees that your dog is dead,"
said the vet.

Finally the man agreed there was nothing to be done. He
asked the vet how much he owed him. "$650," said the vet.

"WHAT? $650? Why so much?" asked the man.

The vet replied, "My diagnosis was just $50. The other
$600 was for the cat scan and the lab test."


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Traffic Ticket Joke

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons.

He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge,only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"WHAT FOR?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

The Judge, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The guy replied... "I know - I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words!"


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